wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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