She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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