I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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