Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
