I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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