When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
