cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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