when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
