your parents love me but you hate me
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
