He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
