i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
