i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
