I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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