and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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