Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
