I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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