Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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