I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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