i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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