3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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