remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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