It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
