I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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