i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
