The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
