hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
