We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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