in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
