Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
