There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
