Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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