HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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