I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
