Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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