I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Even my vagina gasped.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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