Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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