I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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