If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
