WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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