Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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