Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
