Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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