better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
