she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
