i can't believe i had my finger in that
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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