party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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