It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
