one might say we're banned from that church
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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