I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
