Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
