So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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