I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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