my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
