I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
