WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
