Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize
