Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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