I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
