For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
